I have nothing to wear

As I stare in to my closet jam packed with clothes, I say out loud to no one but myself, “I have nothing to wear.”

The Universe challenged me on Monday.  I was invited to my friends 40th b-day party.  It was an evening event in downtown Los Angeles.  I didn’t RSVP until the morning of the event.  I had to talk myself into it.  I know that this party isn’t about me.  It isn’t a fashion show.  I know that I will be there as a guest not the center of attention.  But I haven’t seen some of guests for several months.  They all know I am unemployed and can’t run out to buy a new outfit.   But what they don’t know is that I have put on some weight.  I can’t believe I am going to tell you this.

Deep breath…

Last Wednesday upon returning from my errands I plopped myself down on the couch and split my favorite jeans across the buttocks.  I chalked it up as old age.  Many wash and wears.  Got up and went into the closet and pulled out my favorite capris.  Usually loose and baggy, fit a little more snug.  I went into the living room to roll up the legs and when I sat down on the chair the jeans split right across my butt cheek.  I was mortified.  You have no idea what this did to me.  The self loathing started with the weight and then escalated to a full on pity party.  Hours of crying.  Balled up into fetal position with Hollister (this is my stuffed alligator) in my arms and a box of tissues by my side.

You see, I was already having a bad day.  I went to the dermatologist for a melanoma scan.  Dr. told me that she wanted me to never go in the sun again.  That my skin wasn’t meant to have sun.  She also did a biopsy.  So I come home and have the “I might have cancer thoughts” going through my head and then I am so fat I just ruined 2 of my favorite pairs of denim.

Deep breath…

Then this invite comes.  I have become the person I make fun of.  Lounging around the house in sundresses and yoga pants.  Tank tops, shorts and flip flops.  It just didn’t dawn on me that I had put on so much weight.  I had an idea about what top I wanted to wear but the bottoms were going to be the tell.  I tried on 10 pairs of pants and selected the ones that fit the best.  Dark rinse skinny jeans.  LOL!  Then I started trying on tops.  I am standing in my walk-in closet having a break down when my husband comes home from work.  I wasn’t anywhere close to being ready and I needed to do my hair and my makeup and only had a half hour until I had to leave.  I just started to do the best I could with my hair.  I was still crying so the makeup would have to wait.  Back into the closet.  I asked Jamey what he liked me in.  He said, you will look beautiful in whatever you choose.  I love that he says that but I wasn’t feeling it.

Deep breath…

I meditated.  I needed to get my mind in a good space.  It kept going back to those ripped jeans.  I could have worn rags and everyone would just be happy to see me.  I miss these people.  I want to go.  It will be fun.  I am driving a friend.  I started to think of what shirts I got compliments in every time I wear them.  I wasn’t thinking fashionable.  I had to think stylish and comfortable.  I made my decision and I put my make-up on.

Jamey told me I looked great and without taking that last look, I walked out the door.

So you see I did have something to wear.  This wasn’t my finest moment and I was so glad I went.  I surprised some people and I stayed out past midnight.

"When in doubt, wear red." Bill Blass






One thought on “I have nothing to wear

  1. I cannot believe you put these words on ‘paper’. I am so proud of you. The fasion pollice of the south (now the west) just had issues with her vanity and shared it. That’s sooooo deep. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You look fabulous. What you didn’t tell people is that shirt cost $3.99. Or was that a secret?! OOPS:) HA!
    Now go work out, stop eating crap, stop stressing, sleep enough, eat enough, and your ass will shrink!

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