As I stare in to my closet jam packed with clothes, I say out loud to no one but myself, “I have nothing to wear.”
The Universe challenged me on Monday. I was invited to my friends 40th b-day party. It was an evening event in downtown Los Angeles. I didn’t RSVP until the morning of the event. I had to talk myself into it. I know that this party isn’t about me. It isn’t a fashion show. I know that I will be there as a guest not the center of attention. But I haven’t seen some of guests for several months. They all know I am unemployed and can’t run out to buy a new outfit. But what they don’t know is that I have put on some weight. I can’t believe I am going to tell you this.
Last Wednesday upon returning from my errands I plopped myself down on the couch and split my favorite jeans across the buttocks. I chalked it up as old age. Many wash and wears. Got up and went into the closet and pulled out my favorite capris. Usually loose and baggy, fit a little more snug. I went into the living room to roll up the legs and when I sat down on the chair the jeans split right across my butt cheek. I was mortified. You have no idea what this did to me. The self loathing started with the weight and then escalated to a full on pity party. Hours of crying. Balled up into fetal position with Hollister (this is my stuffed alligator) in my arms and a box of tissues by my side.
You see, I was already having a bad day. I went to the dermatologist for a melanoma scan. Dr. told me that she wanted me to never go in the sun again. That my skin wasn’t meant to have sun. She also did a biopsy. So I come home and have the “I might have cancer thoughts” going through my head and then I am so fat I just ruined 2 of my favorite pairs of denim.
Then this invite comes. I have become the person I make fun of. Lounging around the house in sundresses and yoga pants. Tank tops, shorts and flip flops. It just didn’t dawn on me that I had put on so much weight. I had an idea about what top I wanted to wear but the bottoms were going to be the tell. I tried on 10 pairs of pants and selected the ones that fit the best. Dark rinse skinny jeans. LOL! Then I started trying on tops. I am standing in my walk-in closet having a break down when my husband comes home from work. I wasn’t anywhere close to being ready and I needed to do my hair and my makeup and only had a half hour until I had to leave. I just started to do the best I could with my hair. I was still crying so the makeup would have to wait. Back into the closet. I asked Jamey what he liked me in. He said, you will look beautiful in whatever you choose. I love that he says that but I wasn’t feeling it.
I meditated. I needed to get my mind in a good space. It kept going back to those ripped jeans. I could have worn rags and everyone would just be happy to see me. I miss these people. I want to go. It will be fun. I am driving a friend. I started to think of what shirts I got compliments in every time I wear them. I wasn’t thinking fashionable. I had to think stylish and comfortable. I made my decision and I put my make-up on.
Jamey told me I looked great and without taking that last look, I walked out the door.
So you see I did have something to wear. This wasn’t my finest moment and I was so glad I went. I surprised some people and I stayed out past midnight.